Reality Check

Have you ever taken stock of your life and realized that this isn't what you pictured for yourself ten years ago? That's where I am today... looking around and realizing how many precious moments have slipped through my fingers while I was dreaming about tomorrow.

Anyone who knows me well would recognize that I have a tendency to dream- and dream big. I just had a conversation with a friend a few moments ago in which I had a reality check. I know everyone has a tendency to look at other people's lives and think how great they have it- how this person seems to have everything figured out- how that person over there really has their act together... I told my friend that I was wishing Clean Sweep would show up at my door and work their magic... or a cleaning crew and a large dumpster would appear... My friend proceeded to echo my sentiments listing off a battery of tasks that needed to get done in her home... and suddenly I realized that I sounded very much like one of those people gazing over the fence at someone else's life wishing for that greener grass.

The fact of the matter is that I don't believe anyone has "it all figured out"... we all have some sort of list of things we'd like to improve or accomplish... For some bizarre reason she thought I was one of those people that "had it all together." I of course corrected her, but she followed with a list of things she saw I had going for me.

I think we all have moments where we forget about our blessings in life. I am blessed to live in an amazing country where we have the freedom to worship God. I am blessed to look out my window and see the mountains every day. I am blessed to have a job in today's economy and one that I love. I am blessed to have dear friends who can lovingly call me out when I need a wake up call. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, food on the table and a vehicle that safely takes me where I need to go. I am blessed to share my life with four dogs that are always excited to see me when I come home.

This isn't the life I dreamt about in High School... but it's my life... and I'm so blessed in so many ways. Ten years from now I may be looking back thinking about all the freedom I once had... If I allowed myself to continue wishing for something different or something more I might miss the opportunities I have at this moment.

So here I am today... treasuring this moment and appreciating all that God has done in my life. Now if I could just figure out how to get Clean Sweep to show up... ; )

Borrowed Time...

Had a bit of a scare this last week with Nikita... Tuesday I thought I was actually saying goodbye to Nikita... it had been 5 days of diarrhea all over my house... and I thought for sure the vet was going to say it was time...

As you might imagine- I was a mess leaving the house, putting her in the car- I was a blubbering idiot by the time we got to the vet's. By the time I got there, I honestly thought that I was going to throw up all over the lobby as I walked her in... As we were waiting to check in she had another one of her episodes all over the floor... and when we were finally shown to a room I sat on the floor with Niki- trying to collect myself.

The vet initially thought she felt a mass in her abdomen... but couldn't find it again as she rechecked... Thankfully her blood test came back looking very good... only slightly elevated in the kidneys... probably due to all the diarrhea... So the vet gave me some antibiotics for her- and a prescription for some crazy expensive canned food...

I was on cloud nine as I stopped to get something to drink- and a big water for Nikita- when suddenly I was overcome by the smell... and I turned around to find she was panic-striken as she no longer had anywhere to lay... the back seat was covered... gross... poor girl...

Well the good news is that was the last of it... she perked up over the next day... Go figure- she loves the expensive canned food goodness... and she hasn't been alone since... thanks to my friend Phil who has tag-teamed with me taking care of them...

Perhaps I'm enjoying borrowed time... but she's still here... I'm so relieved... We go back to the vet next week... but for now- she's still here! :)

Hey- Madison wanted to say hello too... :)

The answer is still no!

I have been in Colorado for just over three years now- and it still seems like yesterday when I moved out here. I am so thankful for my time here... This time has been about healing and growth. My ex is now married... and most of the people I met in my Divorce Small Group have at least paired up, most have remarried... part of me wonders when I will find someone... another worries that I'm getting used to being by myself...

It's funny- when you are divorced everyone seems to ask if you are seeing anyone... (the answer is still no.) Part of the problem is the type of guys I meet... If you are familiar with my current job- you know that I spend a great deal of time in jail!

I've struggled with a lack of self worth and self pity... wondering how anyone could want to be with someone like me... let alone someone who meets my standards-who has the qualities I want in a mate.

Awhile back I told myself that I wouldn't be ready to date until I conquered my house. More specifically- work through each and every box of stuff that I've accumulated and brought here... and then find a place for everything... purge anything that doesn't have a home. I've been wallowing in the muck of stuff for way too long. In my mind this will prove to myself that I am ready... that I've truly healed- that I'd be ready at that point to move on. Recently I've been making great progress in this area... feeling like it isn't an impossible task. Completion of this task still feels like a huge feat... but it doesn't feel impossible anymore. I have been frozen in a holding pattern for so long... I've ignored the piles of boxes that stare me in the face every day. They represent emotional baggage... my old life... and as I go through them tossing/donating I feel stronger... I imagine the day that it will be done... (I may be a senior citizen at that point) I plan to throw my very first party! :)

I'm not ready yet...

So my eldest dog- Nikita is starting to show her advanced age... She is 14 1/2 by my calculations... and Siberian Huskies usually have a life span of 10-12 years. She has suddenly been extremely clingy, I've found her curled up in the corner-reluctant to move about... and yesterday she was following me down to the basement when her back legs gave out- and she tumbled down the stairs... If you have met her- you know that she is very puppy-like normally. Most are surprised that she is the oldest of the pack... Facing her mortality saddens me...

People who have had Huskies say that you never know that the end is near until it's here... They don't show their age until the very end... I'm not ready for the end.

In a way her life has seemed like a flash- my ex and I got her a couple months after we were married... how strange it is to look back at how life has changed since then... Back then I would never in a million years thought I would be where I am now... I can still visualize her as a puppy when we brought her home all those years ago... I dread the moment she leaves me... I'm not ready yet... :(

Taking a cue from my younger sister...

Greetings from Colorado!!

Well I think it's about time to jump on the bandwagon... try out this blogging thing for myself. I've had so much fun checking in with friends and family- getting a sort of window into their lives. I feel like I've become completely out of touch with so many people... that perhaps this is a way to keep the lines of communication open...

I've just recently returned from my trip back to the midwest... where I got to meet my gorgeous niece... and visit with my sister and brother-in-law... and I loved every minute of it... Got to sip on Starbucks with my amazing sister and hold my ever-sleeping niece... :) This photo is not the greatest of me-(and I must disclose it is pre-Caroline) but isn't she adorable???? I tried to explain to Ella- to my sister's dismay- that she should wake up more... and not sleep so much... (I don't think Meghan appreciated that too much!!) ...but I just wanted to look into those beautiful eyes a little more!!

I was also able to visit with a few friends. My friend, and a new 8th grade graduate, Ashley let me bunk in with her for the time I was in town. Kelli and Al were the perfect hosts!!! I got to take a ride-along with my friend Annie - just like old times... and had the rare opportunity to spend a whole day with my favorite hair stylist (and cousin) Caroline... :) She's got that amazing gift of making you feel absolutely beautiful!! There is no one like her anywhere in Colorado...

I was able to spend some time with my grand-parents who have just moved to the Chicagoland area after 40 plus years of living in Kentucky... I was able to come in for the fun stuff (hanging pictures and organizing) - after all the hard work was done! :) They are doing amazingly well!

My parents are as busy as ever- helping my grand-parents, renovating their home... and working constantly... For some reason I was under the impression that retirement meant you earned a bit of rest in the second half of one's life... Apparently I was misinformed!!

Coming back to Colorado was a little bitter sweet... I still love it here- the amazing views of mountains and the wonderful weather... but I was reminded what a blessing time with my family and friends is... Road trips have become a bit too expensive to take as frequently as I'd like...

I've found a wonderful life here in Colorado... My pack of dogs seem to love the lack of humidity on their joints... I have made many new friends... who have helped get me through some tough times. My job is challenging and I'm back in the Law Enforcement arena- which I love. It's definitely not the same as Western Springs... I miss that close knit family feeling of the small department... I don't believe I will ever find a job I love as much as I loved it there... Life is funny when you look back on it.

I do believe there is a reason for everything... and sometimes God let's us in on His plan... giving us little glimpses of the whys and why nots of life. I am so thankful for this life He's given me. For the gifts of friendships, experiences, losses, and life itself... As difficult as this most recent chapter of life has been- He found the perfect backdrop for it... I'm not sure I'll ever understand why things happened the way they did... but I do know that it's in His hands. He hasn't let me fall yet!